Yeah. It's Not Rocket Science.

Well, don’t tell anyone this but sometimes I’m nicer than I let on. I actually gave three people at work legitimately nice Christmas presents. In return, I got one bottle of Bath and Body Works hand soap, a box of Fiber One bars, and a travel mug with a lid that’s broken. That seems about right.

Anyway, what I gave these people (2 of which I legitimately like and 1 of which is my boss) is a Philosophy “3-in-1” bath product. Magically, it can be used as body wash, shampoo, OR bubble bath. Apparently this concept is foreign to people working in health insurance. When my boss opened this up, she was like, “Wow! How does this work? A 3-in-1? I’ve never seen something like this before!” Then she opened the cap, smelled it (even though there was a little cover over the top and you can’t smell anything until you take it off), and said, “It smells so good!” The ladies I legitimately like said the same thing. Seriously? This isn’t a tough concept. I’m guessing they were just pretending to like my gift. That’s cool. Next time I’ll just buy the shitty stuff from Shopko or Kohl’s.

My mom just called and asked me what she said she was making for Christmas dinner. Which is actually going to be lunch and not dinner. WTF is up with people in the Midwest doing that? Lunch is called “dinner” and dinner is called “supper”. Well I have no clue what she’s making but I made some suggestions. I guess cigarettes and booze will not be on the menu. No worries. Arbor Mist will be making another appearance. I guess Gordy’s had some clearance. This tells me something about Arbor Mist, but I guess my mom wasn’t reading between the bar codes.

Shit. The year is almost over. You know what this means? Someone needs to buy me a new Chuck Norris calendar before I go all nunchuck on their ass.

Are you there Santa? It's me, Jodie.

Well, Christmas is in just a few days and this is what I want.

1. I’d like to be the only person using the bathroom at work. JUST ONCE. I’m not saying I spent a huge amount of time in there because clearly I have issues with public restrooms. But all the same. Every fucking time I walk in there, someone follows right behind me and goes into the other stall. Then they proceed to clear their throat, thinking this will cover up the noises they’re making. Or they don’t clear their throat and instead talk to me while they’re going. I don’t want to talk to someone while I’m going to the bathroom. CRAZY. I KNOW.

2. I would like for everyone in grocery stores to just stay the fuck out of my way. I do not want people to stop in the middle of the aisle with their big dumb carts, looking on the shelf for their Doritos, while I’m trying to get past them. Then when I say, “Excuse me,” they get all pissy with ME.

3. I would like for all the food sample stations at Sam’s Club to be in one central location. The location I will then avoid like the plague.

4. I’d also like for Sam’s Club to get an Express Lane so I don’t have to wait in line for 25 minutes with my box of lettuce and Boca Burgers while some person ahead of me with a flatbed filled with tubs of salsa and hamburger buns decides to open a damn Sam’s line of credit.

5. I want co-workers to stop coming to my desk 2 minutes after they send an email to make sure I got the email. Silly me. I thought the whole point of sending email was to avoid human interaction. Maybe that’s just my social anxiety talking.

6. I want vampire shit to go away.

7. I want Bradley Cooper to promise me he will never again do a movie with Sandra Bullock and/or Jennifer Aniston.

I think that’s it. Clearly this is not asking for much. So yeah. I'd better wake up on Christmas morning, try doing a Google search for "Edward and Vampire" and find NOTHING.

Well, NPR. We meet again.

I stopped listening to public radio right about the same time I stopped being an annoying feminazi whose only purpose in life was bitching about Republicans. Yet here I am. LISTENING TO THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN. And once again, I'm fascinated by irrelevant news topics and heartfelt stories about "the arts." I thought I had succesfully distanced myself from this rifraff. Fuuuuuuuck.

Yeah. A lot of my friends are reading this and saying, "What's wrong with NPR? I LOVE NPR." Of course you do. This may or may not be why I love you. And FINE. "Car Talk" makes me laugh and Garrison Keillor's voice is very soothing. Are you happy now?

Anyway, I got a fucked up Christmas card last night from my aunt's "dog." She's done this before and I still think it's weird. I don't care what anyone says. Springer Spaniels cannot conjugate verbs. They also SHOULD NOT eat off dinner plates but that's a different issue.

I'm at work on a Saturday because I'm busy as hell and apparently the constant weekday distractions from co-workers with stupid questions is getting in my way. Well, I just looked out my window and saw a Budget moving truck roll up. WTF. Now he's looking at me like I'm supposed to let him in? Jesus Christ. Do I look retarded? Sure. C'mon in! It's Saturday and I'm the only person here but WHY NOT. I'm sure you just want to use the phone and then kill me. Whatevs.

What's The Word, Turd? The Annual Berseth Christmas Letter.

Holiday Greetings to My Friends, Family, and People I Only Kinda Know and Therefore Had to Google For Spellings on Last Names, Spouse Names, etc.

Well, what the fuck. 2009 is almost down the toilet and what did I flush along with it? Well, a husband, a house, and my health. HURRAY!

Oh My apologies. Since a lot of my family is in jail, not talking to me because my mom pissed them off, or otherwise occupied; the fact that I'm divorced might be new news. In that case, go grab my Christmas card out of the mailbox quick (the one you're only sending me because you got this newsletter and said, "SHIT. Now I have to send her one.) and scribble out my ex-husband's name. If you even knew it to begin with. Hint: It rhymes with GLAD.

Anyway, yeah. So along with that went my house. Which means I can no longer bitch about property taxes with my miserable co-workers. Speaking of which, I got a promotion at work. Since you didn't know what I did in the first place, I'm not even going to bother going into more detail. Just keep going with that whole, "She went to college" thing.

In June, I got the Swine Flu from the male roommate I was scandalously living with until I realized I need required a living situation providing me with modern comforts like a stove and a dishwasher. And electricity on a consistent basis. And no. I'm sorry to say I didn't get the Swine Flu because I slept with him. What do you take me for? A whore? THAT WAS YEARS AGO.

Other than that, nothing's really changed. I'm still suffering from OCD, claustrophobia, and a fear of large birds. I discovered I really don't like dogs that much. I guess that's new. And I tend to date a lot of guys with oddly possessive behaviors when it comes to their eyeglass cases. I guess that's not really new. I'm just realizing it.

I'm incredibly sick of talking about myself so I'm done now.

Merry Christmas, Asshats!

God Bless Capitalism. Or Whatever.

Well shit. I had posted the following ad on Craigslist, AS A JOKE, in response to the weirdo who kept trying to sell their “Giant Pepsi Mug” for MONTHS, listing it daily and never reducing the price ($5). That is asking way too much, in my opinion.

http://eauclaire.craigslist.org/wan/1497293917.html

The only responses I got were from people in India trying to arrange for dealings via Paypal. For a Giant Pepsi Mug? Riiiiiiiiight.

DO THEY EVEN HAVE GIANT PEPSI MUGS IN INDIA?

Then I get this last night:

From: ctn94106@centurytel.net Subject: Pepsi mugTo: sale-k8rhc-1497293917@craigslist.orgDate: Tuesday, December 8, 2009, 9:35 PM
Have one in truck for you E me back to set up transfer Live by Holcombe

Well holy shit, dudes. I wasn’t really expecting someone to respond. So I figured I might as well roll with it. I respond, asking the guy if he has one of those plastic chutes like the bank does (to “transfer” it to me) and then I get this response today:

Will be through Eau Claire on Thusday,Friday, Sat, Sun (but mostly on a Schedule) Thusday and Sunday coming back from the MPLS. AirportFri/ Sat Classes around Farm and Fleet Area 8 hours 8-5 Send me Phone # and ruff time you will be around Brian

I don’t know about you but this guy is willing to go through a lot of hassle just to make $2 on a Giant Pepsi Mug. So, I’m going to buy it.

And then re-sell it for $4.

Oh, the places you'll go!

Sometimes I think I’m being too hard on people and maybe they aren’t nearly as irritating and stupid as I assume they are.

Then I leave my house and all that logic goes down the shitter.

On the way to work today, some guy rolls up to me in one of those stupid monster trucks that’s really just a regular truck with HUGE tires, and shouts out his window, “Nice cigarette butt, lady!”

What the fuck, buddy?? I didn’t throw a damn cigarette butt out the window. I don’t even have any cigarettes in my car though people like this make me wish I did. Anyway, we were at a stoplight and once I manually rolled down my car window (which makes me look much less hardcore about everything), that’s exactly what I said to this asshole. Yeah. That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do so I drove away really fast.

Then I get to work and this dumb broad that sits next to the woman who’s been coughing for two weeks straight, comes over to me while I’m taking a big bite out of an apple and says, “Wow. You like apples too? I LOVE THEM.”

OMG! We should be besties!

Seriously, I know very few people who hate apples so I’m thinking this one of the dumbest common denominators ever.

Once we got bast that INCREDIBLE coincidence, she says to me, “Am I the reason you’re bringing in your iPod now?”

Well dudes. I could nothing else but lay my head down on my desk and laugh.

I should’ve just said, “Yeah you are.” Because who would ask someone that? And like I’d really tell her?

Since coughing lady isn’t here today I decided to just lay it on the line. I said, “No. You’re not. Your neighbor is. The one who’s been coughing for two weeks. The coughing that makes me want to stab my own face.”

She said, “Ohhhhhh.” And walked away.

I’m pretty sure that was another case of “not the smartest thing to do.”

In other news, I want someone to buy me something fancy and expect something in return.

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall...

For the past 1.5 weeks, the same coworker has been asking me if I have a “handheld mirror” she can use. She asks me this daily. And then asks everyone else around me.

WE ALL GIVE HER THE SAME ANSWERS. Because nothing has changed. There is no way in hell I am buying a fucking mirror just so I can tell her something other than, “NO I DON’T.”

Anyway, she’s here today and I’m pretty much the only one in the department. Apparently most people enjoy spending time with their extended families around the holidays? So, I’m just waiting patiently to be asked this same weird shit again. I’m going to pretend like I’ve never been asked before and then search all around in my desk for one before saying “No.”

I think if this continues, I WILL buy a mirror. I’ll still tell her I don’t have one, but then when she’s walking by, I’ll whip it out and use it quick. Maybe that’ll take care of it.

In other news, I need a vacation.