I am not very insightful.

Well dudes, I’m going to be 31 in exactly two months from today. Yeah. I know. I can’t believe it either. HAVE YOU SEEN MY LEGS.

Anyway, this morning I was getting ready for work and I suddenly realized I was using a fucking anti-aging eye cream. I mean, I bought this shit myself so it’s not like I didn’t know what it was. But all the same. It didn’t fully hit me until today. Then I started peering into the mirror closely and identified some very small wrinkles in the corner of my eyes. One in between my eyebrows too. And fucking A. I could have grey hair and not even know it, since I can’t even remember what my natural hair color is anymore. I almost had a melt in the bathroom. I could barely get my mascara on. It was serious.

I guess a part of me is starting to feel my age. Mostly in a good way. I look pretty good for my age, I act like a total moron most of the time, and 24 year-old guys with really great bodies, etc. seem interested enough in me, so I should be thinking this is the best time of my life, right? And I do. But somewhere inside, I hear this little voice shouting shit like, “YOUR METABOLISM IS GOING TO START SLOWING DOWN”, “THAT OCCASIONAL KNEE PAIN IS GOING TO BE A REAL ISSUE SOMEDAY”, and, “YOUR HAIR ISN’T ALWAYS GOING TO LOOK THAT GOOD.” At this point, I easily ignore this voice with booze and cigarettes. But at some point, this voice will win! Because it’ll be true. And I’ll be left with fuzzy hair and a knee brace.

There really isn’t any point in all of this so don’t go looking for some closure or deep meaning here. I’m not Mitch Albom or Dave Barry for chrissakes. I’d just like to keep living but always look like I do now. Without having to marry a plastic surgeon. How can this be arranged?

In other news, I am no longer eating microwave popcorn at work. Everytime I make it, someone is like, “OH MY GOD. YOUR POPCORN SMELLS SO GOOD. I WANT SOME.” Yeah. I bought it at the store. You can get some too. Crazy shit, I know. That's what I said to my co-worker yesterday and she just said, "You're so funnnnny!"

Uh huh.