Yeah. That's not funny anymore. FYI.

So, about two weeks ago, the lady who once upon a time saw me drinking water and said, “Icky Yucky” and then proceeded to fill up her own water bottle in front of me the very next day, asked me if I had my old Weight Watcher’s materials. And if so, would I consider selling them to her?

Quick back story: Once upon a time we had “Weight Watcher’s at Work”-which only worked for me because no one else fully grasped the “take the fucking cookie out of your mouth and walk more” concept but any way…She must’ve remembered I did this after finally looking in a mirror and finding the motivation to lose the extra person she’s been carrying around since she had kids 20 years ago.

ANYWAY…I tell her that yeah, I do and yeah, I will. Clearly my transition to the “booze and cigarettes diet” means I no longer need this shit so I might as well sell them to someone that will never achieve weight loss success because she simply doesn’t fucking get it.

Since this happened, she says the following thing to me DAILY, “Well I bought the books and they aren’t working. I’ve put them in the kitchen and I stare at them each day while I eat my French toast. Am I supposed to do something else with them?” Okay. This wasn’t even funny the first time. So, guess what? It’s not funny the tenth time either.

I’ve been handling this really well, which is completely out of character for me. Doing the polite laugh thing and all that bullshit. Today? Today she finally broke me.

She says her same shit and I just melted. I was like, “Look lady. Nothing is ever going to change if you don’t put down that damn French toast first. You think you can make something work without doing any work? How American of you. Good luck with that.”

Yeah. That was a real asshole thing to say. I know. But I couldn’t take it anymore. Plus the other day she told me I’d be a lot more "conventionally pretty" if I didn’t have “so many tattoos.” Therefore; FUCK HER.

In other news, shit by Dashboard Confessional and David Gray has suddenly become relevant to me and I fucking hate it. I am officially one of those douche bags who thinks every song in the world somehow applies to her life.

Great. What’s next? Maybe I’ll start wearing junior-sized clothes again and drinking Zimas.

Forward THIS...

I have a problem. Pretty much the lady who sits across from me here at work sends me forwards on a daily basis. The topics range from shit like “look at these hot firefighters” to “read this generic story about some kid who died of cancer (but probably really didn’t-those are my words, not hers).” As she reads them, she either laughs hysterically or starts dabbing at her eyes with a tissue because she’s so emotionally moved by cancer kid or whatever. Then she sends them on to some “selected list” of individuals here at work. I somehow got on this list and I want off it.

Generally I just delete this shit without even reading it. I can’t do this with her. Because she’ll say, “DID YOU GET MY EMAIL?” And then she proceeds to watch me as I reluctantly double-click and read it. If I don’t laugh (or fake laugh since they are never ever funny), she says, “WHAT? DIDN’T YOU GET IT? SHOULD I SEND IT AGAIN?” Or, if it’s sad, she says, “Doesn’t that just BREAK your heart?” when she sees I’m not crying.

I’ve reached max capacity. This bullshit, combined with her constant singing along to the radio and her calls to her niece, where she proceeds to talk in a baby voice, has finally become “too much.” Meaning, I want to shove her down the stairs and see what happens.

In fact, she’s on the phone right now with the dumb kid. She’s asking her, “Are you having yummy cawwots with mommy for wunch?”

I hope she brings this kid to the museum like she keeps saying she’s going to do. I’m not going to give her a hand stamp and I’m going to let her drink out of the water exhibit without blinking an eye.

In other news, someone else here saw my arms and said, “Wow. Since when did you have tattoos?” Jesus Christ. I wanna go home.

And so it goes...

My friend Eric died today. And I'm not sure how to deal with this.

Eric owned a pretty big chunk of real estate in my heart. There are literally years of my life that are filled to the brim with memories involving him. My life would not be the same life had he never been a part of it.

This news has just thrown me back and honestly, I refuse to believe that he is gone. Not FOREVER. No way. I've had family members die, and sure that's sad. But you're OBLIGATED to feel sad sometimes when those people die. Friends? Friends you make a conscious choice to allow into your life. You WANT them there. So when they suddenly leave and you get no say in the whole thing, you're left with this emptiness.

You can't ever fill that with someone else. It will never be the same.

Here's the thing. Eric lived his life doing exactly what he wanted to do. Most people are too chicken to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Eric was never like this. He was fearless in this regard and I always envied that. This quality tends to make people pretty damn selfish but he was just the opposite. He was a good person. Just an all-around good person. The kind of person that left an impression on everyone he met. He just had that golden touch.

And now what? Life just goes on. It pisses me off. Just for today, everything should slow down a bit and accommodate my grief. I don't want to just "go on" but life doesn't really leave us a choice. So back into the world I go. Here I come. Not sure if I'm ready.

Highlights from the August 2009 "Eau Claire Rod and Gun Club" Newsletter:

• We wish to thank all anonymous members and non-members that place coins, bills and checks in the maintenance jug. We wish to thank Bill Woehrmann, Jack Thomas, and Herman Genrich for there large donations to the jug so far this year.
• A Remington Model 870 with Rem Choke was taken from gun rack by the main front door. If you use a 870 express please check to make sure you have your gun. Or if you don't.
• We had many members and non-members ask when are you going to have corn day. And we had to tell them it was last week or two weeks ago. Corn & Anniversary Day is always held the last Sunday in July. Please remember this.
• Friday September 18, 2009 We will be holding the Elderado shoot. We have the Jr. Veteran class for shooters 60 to 64 years old. The Veteran Class for shooters from 65 to 69 and then the real old age group, The Sr. Veteran Class.

Here's some shit I need to do before the year is finished...

• Enter a Halloween-themed coloring contest meant for kids and totally win it. This is actually really generous on my part. Kids need to learn about disappointment in life. And also, that there are assholes out there who will gladly fuck with their happiness just to be mean.
• Put a bunch of "thrift sale" signs in the yard at my old house.
• Go to Best Buy and hide all of the Josh Groban CDs in one of the display model refrigerators.
• Offend a few minority groups I've not yet "ironically" made fun of.
• Waste about $30 on shitty movies that are going to disappoint me even though unreliable sources told me they were "hilarious" and/or "moving."
• Tell everyone that I'm not buying Christmas gifts this year because I'd rather spend my money on myself. The people in my life can do the same for themselves and just pretend I bought them that bag of groceries.
• Invite myself to several parties and then not show up.
• Respond to some ads on Craigslist, go and look at the items for sale, pretend to be interested, and then offer only $5, regardless of what it is or how much it was originally listed for.
• Tell people that things make them look fat. Even if they didn't ask. And even if they don't.