Are you there Santa? It's me, Jodie.

Well, Christmas is in just a few days and this is what I want.

1. I’d like to be the only person using the bathroom at work. JUST ONCE. I’m not saying I spent a huge amount of time in there because clearly I have issues with public restrooms. But all the same. Every fucking time I walk in there, someone follows right behind me and goes into the other stall. Then they proceed to clear their throat, thinking this will cover up the noises they’re making. Or they don’t clear their throat and instead talk to me while they’re going. I don’t want to talk to someone while I’m going to the bathroom. CRAZY. I KNOW.

2. I would like for everyone in grocery stores to just stay the fuck out of my way. I do not want people to stop in the middle of the aisle with their big dumb carts, looking on the shelf for their Doritos, while I’m trying to get past them. Then when I say, “Excuse me,” they get all pissy with ME.

3. I would like for all the food sample stations at Sam’s Club to be in one central location. The location I will then avoid like the plague.

4. I’d also like for Sam’s Club to get an Express Lane so I don’t have to wait in line for 25 minutes with my box of lettuce and Boca Burgers while some person ahead of me with a flatbed filled with tubs of salsa and hamburger buns decides to open a damn Sam’s line of credit.

5. I want co-workers to stop coming to my desk 2 minutes after they send an email to make sure I got the email. Silly me. I thought the whole point of sending email was to avoid human interaction. Maybe that’s just my social anxiety talking.

6. I want vampire shit to go away.

7. I want Bradley Cooper to promise me he will never again do a movie with Sandra Bullock and/or Jennifer Aniston.

I think that’s it. Clearly this is not asking for much. So yeah. I'd better wake up on Christmas morning, try doing a Google search for "Edward and Vampire" and find NOTHING.